Its Time For Some Peace Finding

You would think by the third time around that I’d be better at expecting how things are going to go and dealing with all the emotions and issues that arise when you bring a foster child/children into your home. Obviously small things change, the children are different, have different abilities, likes, dislikes, and behaviors, this time around we have two instead of one. But we spend a lot of effort on trying to DO things the same way. We make a pretty good team. We can usually tell how each of us are going to respond in most situations and can sometimes head off issues. We have habits and plans and have a fairly consistent schedule that helps the children feel safe when they get used to it. We have a standard way of disciplining and the levels we escalate through as certain things work or don’t work.

With our last placement, I found myself writing about losing my peace. The post is here. The point of the post was that I really struggle when I feel like we are in limbo, when I can’t plan my ‘more than 6 months out’ goals and activities because I don’t know if we’re going to be a family of 4 or 6, whether we’re going to be having visits with bio-mom or some adoptive family. And if you know me even a little, you know that I’ve pretty much had my whole life planned out since I was about 5. 😉 I realized last time around that I had found my peace again once a decision had been made about the plans for our foster son and I then had a handle on when I could start my type-A planning tendencies again.

So . . . we’re supposed to learn from our mistakes right? Well, I’m a slow learner. I’ve been having a really difficult week with the kids and life in general and feel like I’m spiraling in situations when I’m typically fairly calm. Granted, we have been having some behavior that isn’t very fun, but its really not anything we can’t handle. I’ve been tense and not sleeping very well and overall what I will call “peaceless”. After being grumpy about being grumpy for a little while, I got tired of that and did some soul searching. I discovered that my “peacelessness” started around the time of our most recent hearing for the girls. The result of the hearing was basically a delay in the decision making process for various reasons of which some have merit. Of course, this messes with the way Becca wants things to go. Becca was hoping that we would be able to transition the girls over the summer, but before next school year. With the delay in the process, that is still a possibility, but unlikely. While we were looking for a longer placement, we weren’t really thinking that long. Hehe. Isn’t God faithful? Now, stubborn, type-A, planner extraordinaire has to let go of some things that she wanted to do this year AND we still don’t really have a timeline. AAAAHHHH!

I had been sitting on this post for a couple days, I think waiting for some confirmation from God. This morning’s sermon was good for me. I needed to be reminded of God’s love and provision for us and how we should use our resources for his glory. So, in order to survive until the next hearing (where hopefully some decision making will occur) I need to find my peace again.
– I need to grieve the plans that I had laid out for 2012 that will not be realized. (Sometimes that selfishness really rears its ugly head.) The foster kids were a goal for this year, but now I have to move them up in priority to be a larger part of my plan – which I probably should have done to begin with. I believe that we are doing what God wants us to be doing and have to trust him to realize some of my wants next year or show me why those wants weren’t the best for me.
– I need to switch from a sprint to a long distance run. I don’t think that this will actually change the way we are doing anything specifically. I think its just something I needed to say. It will be interesting to see more of the process and be in it for a little longer than we have been. We continue to pray for reunification for mom and if I really believe that is what I want to happen, I need to accept that it may take awhile to get her life turned around. If we get to be a part of that redemption, it will be worth putting some of my selfish plans on hold.

At least this time, I realized it after about a week instead of a couple months. 🙂 Maybe I’m making progress after all.