I lost my peace, but now its found

Most of the time I’m pretty good about resting in God’s peace in regards to myself. He’s proven himself often enough that He does a better job taking care of me than I do and I’m fairly comfortable letting Him do his thing in regards to my stuff. However, I’m realizing that I’m not very good at trusting God with those I have a small responsibility over, like my children, foster kids, and husband. In those cases I usually try to take over and do the best I can because “I’m in charge.”

I had a really nice ride into work one day this week where I felt really at peace with everything going on in our lives. It dawned on me that this was a feeling I used to have, and liked to have, but something had “stolen my peace” recently. I needed to search back a couple months in my memory to pinpoint when it disappeared and discovered that it was around the time we got our foster son. Then I decided that the reason my peace was back was because now we “have a plan”. Its not an open ended placement anymore. Even if I didn’t agree with the plan (I do), I still feel more comfortable knowing what is supposed to happen next and when. We have something to look forward to and work toward.

I know we’ve been praying for this boy and I know that God has a heart for the helpless and fatherless. I know it in my head, but I haven’t been letting it rule my heart. Nate and I had a discussion about how we often will project our foster son’s feelings and often times react to the things that are going on just because we know more and realize what it all means on a different level than he does. We empathize with him and sometimes feel like we need to be the one throwing a tantrum for him. Sometimes we just have to sit down and take a few deep breaths and remind ourselves that we’re doing what God called us to and He is always in control.

I didn’t have this problem – losing my peace – with our first foster daughter, and I think it is largely because we had a plan for her from day 1. God knew what he was doing when we had her first. We learned a lot from her, but there is learning and growing left to do. Isn’t there always? This round, I’m learning to stay in God’s peace . . . to trust him even when I can’t see the bigger picture – even when I don’t know what the plan is. To control the things I can and to let go of the rest.

Now if only I could actually apply that to my children and all areas of my life where I’m not 100% at peace. Or at least recognize when my peace goes missing before 2 months have gone by and I finally find it again. Or maybe God, you could just let me in on enough of your plan to satisfy my control tendencies. You created me after all. 🙂

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.