A woman speaks “Nanny’s last day is tomorrow.”
A child asks “Who will be my new nanny?”
The woman says “I will.”
The girl leans close and whispers “I’m so excited Mommy!”
Today I start a new job . . . full-time mommy.
I have to admit that this thought has scared me for over 5 years. Not that I’m afraid of my children. I know that I’m quite capable of dealing with 30 lbs of drama every now and then (usually just tickling them solves the issue at hand). But it was more about what society tells me that I’m supposed to be and my expectations for what I wanted to do with my life. I was in the grip of my ‘title’ and my ‘value’ to a company. I love solving problems and seeing solutions come together into an end product. I love feeling like I’m contributing to something bigger than me. I love working! AND I’m good at it. Or at least that’s what the last 7 years of bosses and coworkers and good performance reviews have shown me.
Was my 13 years of elementary through high school, all the extra curriculars, being top of my class, graduating from college with a decent gpa, spending a lot of money in order to get there, landing a great job and moving to another state all worth nothing? The reason we are in Arizona in the first place is because of MY job. Well, we paid school off before Hannah was born, so I can’t let that hold me back. And I’m in a fortunate position that I don’t HAVE to work (that’s one of the things Nate is good for). So why hold on? Selfishness, pride, fear of losing my identity.
But I’m not afraid anymore. I have a peace over me because I finally made the decision God has been moving me toward since Hannah was born. I am quite stubborn and I was SO happy with my part time solution. I thought it was the best of both worlds. We had a great nanny who will be sorely missed and I will miss having my little ‘vacations from home’ every day.
Today I turn in my “Senior Systems Engineer” title and the paycheck and benefits that come with it and become instead everything I need to be for my family. I get to focus 100% of my efforts on my children and the foster children that we have. They are so needy. I know that I will be more worn out every day than my longest day at work ever tired me out. I know that I won’t have anyone checking up on my goals and objectives three times a year, but my children will keep me in line. I know that I might just have to learn how to cook better meals and might have to spend more time cleaning. But what I know more than this is how important it is for me to raise my kids to be functioning members of society. Not just people who live, but people who make a difference. To love them, to play with them, to lead them, to teach them, and eventually to let them go. I want to be there when God willing one or all of them makes a choice to follow Christ. I want to be there when they learn to ride a bike and when they have a fight with a friend. I want to help them grow up in this crazy world, safe and healthy.
And when they are grown, I can go back to being me if I want to.
But this is more important.
Identity Crisis
Systems Engineer vs The Mommy
A title vs a relationship
A job vs a lifestyle
A chance to make money vs a chance to change lives
Meetings vs encounters
A boss vs having to make all the decisions
A cube vs a home
Neat and orderly vs chaos
Slacks vs pjs til noon
Designing projects vs designing crafts
Taking notes and writing plans vs coloring butterflies and dragons
Training new hires vs raising children
What I want to do vs what I need to do
The mommy wins!
I’m super happy for you all! I do caution you, as someone who was home all the time for seven years, to definitely schedule yourself some alone time (and not just shopping!). I did kind of lose myself in them (although I found myself again) and wish I had taken care of me AND them.