How is she doing, really?

Apparently, my fairly-matter-of-fact but not much how’s-Becca-doing post regarding losing the baby left my more emotional friends wondering about my sanity and emotional state. Nate’s been getting this question, “How is she ‘really’ doing?” from some of them. I did consider a post filled with all the sarcastic things that I have said or thought since things started happening, but quickly discarded the idea as it would probably scare most of my friends and not achieve the goal of letting you know I’m ok. (Sarcasm is my first response to almost all emotions until I can digest them and then react more appropriately). Friends who accept my sarcastic nature would probably laugh along with me, but more people would think I was being disrespectful to God or Nate or nonchalant about life and death.

Anyway . . . how am I ‘really’ doing?

Physically:

I’m back in my comfy jeans! This makes me happy. I had lost a few pounds of water weight and blood and tissue, but am back to my normal range. My body no longer thinks its pregnant and my bleeding, as my uterus returns to non-pregnant state, has slowed down. We’ll have a check up on Thursday to make sure things are looking ok.
I had been trying to take it easy at volleyball, and continued that for awhile. But I’m feeling pretty good and have started doing more of the drills, hitting, and jumping for demonstrations that I would have liked to do before. I also played for a little while on Monday with some friends. I got tired pretty quickly, but it felt good to move around. I’ll probably go ahead and play in this fall league as there is an opening for me.
Besides all that, I get to go back to my normal eating, drinking, and sleeping habits.

Spiritually:

Looking back, God had been preparing me for what was coming. I had been in Job back in February but for some reason, felt like I needed to go through it again at the beginning of last week. The best thing about Job is that it gives you back your spiritual perspective on how small you are and how big God is. It reminds you that he knows what he is doing and doesn’t have to tell us the plan. On Thursday morning, I had started Psalms. Lots of good ‘trials and afflictions’ and ‘love and goodness’ to hold on to. Since we lost the baby, I’ve still be in Psalms and its been a good place for me.

I think I was more prepared for a miscarriage than Nate was. I started preparing myself when the bleeding started, even though it wasn’t an amount that my OB was worried about. I was reminded of King David when his baby was sick. . .

2 Samuel 12:15 Then the Lord struck the child that Uriah’s widow bore to David, so that he was very sick. 16 David therefore inquired of God for the child; and David fasted and went and lay all night on the ground. 17 The elders of his household stood beside him in order to raise him up from the ground, but he was unwilling and would not eat food with them. 18 Then it happened on the seventh day that the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they said, “Behold, while the child was still alive, we spoke to him and he did not listen to our voice. How then can we tell him that the child is dead, since he might do himself harm!” 19 But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David perceived that the child was dead; so David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” And they said, “He is dead.” 20 So David arose from the ground, washed, anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he came into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he came to his own house, and when he requested, they set food before him and he ate.

21 Then his servants said to him, “What is this thing that you have done? [j]While the child was alive, you fasted and wept; but when the child died, you arose and ate food.” 22 He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, ‘ Who knows, the Lord may be gracious to me, that the child may live.’ 23 But now he has died; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

I reacted the same way. While I thought the baby was still alive, I prayed and asked others to intercede for me and the baby. But once it was over, I was at peace that God is in control and I can’t do anything to change what has happened. But I can look forward to meeting my child(ren) in heaven.

Emotionally:

– I’m doing ok. I have my moments. It hurts me the most when I see Nate hurting. I get small twinges of feeling like I’ve disappointed him or am not able to live up to my job as wife and mommy, but I quickly move on. I’m too practical for wallowing.
– We’ll have moments of grief through next spring as timeframes pass that we had planned to do such and such to get ready or make sure we get our travelling done before a certain time and due date time might be difficult. But we’ll have two birthdays to celebrate and will try to stay busy.
– Volleyball has been helping keep me busy for the present. More than I thought it would. But its been a blessing.
– Hannah and Ben of course are keeping me busy as well. School stuff has been going well too.
– I cleaned up the website and such of baby references.
– I had Nate put all the remaining baby gear in the attic. We hadn’t started getting stuff back out yet to organize, but we just had a lot of things hanging around in random places since Ben used them. Our house is the most baby-free its been since before Hannah was born.

My biggest problem/fear/worry right now is the future. . . but I know its too soon. We’re too close. We’ll talk to our doctor about our options and what he thinks about what happened at our checkup this week. Then we’ll take each day as it comes. It’s just hard for my type-A personality to not have a plan, and a plan b, and a contingency plan. So right now, I’m keeping myself busy and trying not to think about it. When volleyball is over, it will be a good time to decide what to do about fostering and might be a good time to think about what we want to do. But that is not today. Today, I got a little bit of time to myself and then I will spend the rest of my day with my children and my husband.