And they said I’m Sorry

Our latest little boy didn’t make it. According to the ultrasound, he probably died soon after our 12 week OB visit. Since my body didn’t realize it, I continued to gain weight and have minor symptoms leading us to think things were going ok. Fast forward to week 17 (last week), Nate came home to watch the kids so I could go to my checkup. My dr was out of the office so they asked if I would be ok with the nurse practitioner and I said sure. She was having a hard time finding the heartbeat, but I’m kinda used to that since my uterus is retroverted. But by this time in the pregnancy, it should have been easier. They sent me downstairs for the ultrasound. Confirmed, no heartbeat. Ultrasound tech, fertility doctor, my nurse; and they said I’m sorry.

Since my dr wasn’t in, I had to wait until the next day to see him to discuss options. We saw him and scheduled the D&C for last Wed. Since the baby had already been dead for a number of weeks, he didn’t want to wait for my body to do it naturally due to risk of infections. We had some friends take the kids for the night because we had to be there pretty early. This turned out well as I started to miscarry that evening. I had a partial miscarriage but was able to stay calm and get some sleep before going in to complete the D&C in the morning. They are sending the baby and tissue off to be tested, but we aren’t holding our breath for any answers. Science still doesn’t understand enough about this whole process to make very accurate statements about why the pregnancy terminated or how to keep it from happening next time.

I had another friend spend the rest of the day with me so Nate could go back to work and I also had some visitors in the afternoon. My mom flew in that evening. I was mostly tired that day, due to the medications. The next day I felt more beat up as the meds wore off, but the day after I was physically feeling better. My hormones are still pretty out of whack as my body tries to recover. Will have a checkup next week and then be approved to go back to life as normal. Ha.

Emotionally, we’re doing ok. It took us by surprise, but you never really plan for something like this to happen. The kids are doing alright. A visit from Grandma helps. We have a family trip this summer to look forward to. We don’t know what we’re going to do going forward but for the short term will be looking into some birth control options, though the last time I looked at this I wasn’t too excited about the choices. Since we have a better idea of what to expect with the grief stages, we’ll be more prepared this time around.

Spiritually, our faith and hope is what keeps us sane. I don’t know how people who don’t have that can stand a loss like this. Last time, I had my rounds with the enemy and dealt with all the lies and half-truths that you can torment yourself with and every now and then I’ll start down one of those trails, but I recognize it soon enough to stop. Obviously, we still have to grieve the loss of the dreams and plans that we had and there will be more grieving as time goes on, but we have a lot of peace in knowing we’ll be reunited. This time, I feel God more like an ever present hug, like being wrapped up in your favorite blanket. I’m mostly just letting him hold me and cry when I need to. He doesn’t say “I’m sorry.” He says, “I’ve been there too.”